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, by Gary Kowalski
Download , by Gary Kowalski
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Product details
File Size: 677 KB
Print Length: 186 pages
Publisher: New World Library; Revised ed. edition (February 22, 2012)
Publication Date: February 22, 2012
Sold by: Amazon Digital Services LLC
Language: English
ASIN: B007C8NRPS
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Amazon Best Sellers Rank:
#75,474 Paid in Kindle Store (See Top 100 Paid in Kindle Store)
"Goodbye, Friend" was given to me by good friends after my cat, Neil, passed away after a long illness. The author, Gary Kowalski, starts the book with a chapter named "Pets Are Not Petty," and he is absolutely correct. He uses the word "pet" throughout the book even though it's not the maximally-PC term "animal companion" preferred in some circles for the same reason I use it: "...of course 'pet' can also mean favorite, cherished, especially near and dear...." I've had many animals, all of them pets in the sense of being cherished and near and dear, but Neil was truly my favorite. Neil was never a particularly healthy cat (he was born with only one functioning kidney,) but of all the animals I have had the privilege of knowing he was the sweetest, most gentle, most patient and understanding, and best companion I could ever have. Even my veterinarian, who saw thousands of cats a year called Neil "Your once in a lifetime cat." It was unavoidable that Neil would eventually die, but that didn't make it any easier. While nothing can ever replace him, this book was comforting on a variety of levels.Kowalski is the minister of Burlington Vermont's Unitarian Universalist church, and the book obviously has religious and spiritual components. Even though I don't agree with all of Kowalski's religious beliefs, the greater point is that I don't have to. Kowalski makes the book accessible to people of varied beliefs, and to help the maximum number of pet owners that's generally a good thing. His congregation granted him a sabbatical to write the book, and for anyone (especially anyone with spiritual beliefs) grieving over the loss of a pet this is a good place to start. Kowalski researched extensively for the book, and some of the things he uncovered were amazing. He mentions that "individuals who lose a cat may have a more serious grief reaction and need greater follow-up than those who lose a dog," though nobody is sure exactly why. (Neither he nor I in any way are downplaying the grief dog owners experience when they lose their pets.) He discusses how other animals grieve when one of their peers dies: Neil's death certainly affected his longtime playmate and still does months later. I was surprised to hear that badgers grieve fallen mates, and have been known to bury them while emitting "plaintive moans and whimpers." He even touches on the question of afterlife for animals (which he has written about subsequently in the book "The Soul of Animals") discussing an astonishing animal understanding of death in a conversation in American Sign Language with Koko the gorilla. I found this to be an intriguing subject, and thought the author handled it very well and sensitively. I definitely feel that Neil knew it was his time, and was waiting for me to be with him when he died.The subject of being there is one both I and Kowalski feel passionately about: you really need to be there if at all possible when your animal dies. I know this from bitter experience, and if you gain nothing else from the book (or this review) than this, please make every attempt to be with your animal as he or she passes away. I have had animals euthanized in veterinary clinics before, but the sterility of the environment and the fear in the animal that going to the clinic engenders, especially as they know they are sick, and most of them are scared about what comes next, makes an already difficult event even more traumatizing. Many veterinarians will now make house calls for this important matter to help grieving animal owners, and more importantly the animal. I am eternally indebted to my vet and one of his techs who came to my home to allow Neil to pick his own place to leave this world. He chose to die on the foot of my bed, which had been his place for 13 years. As hard as it was, this made it so much better for everyone involved, most especially Neil who was where he belonged with the people he loved. Kowalski discusses this and other options, and I encourage pet owners to ask their vet about their choices. (I also personally feel that it helps the other animals in the household adjust to the loss if they are allowed to see the body of their friend after they're gone; talk to your vet about it.)Kowalski gives several techniques for dealing with the loss, and one of the keys is to acknowledge the seriousness of the event. For outsiders, particularly non-animal lovers, it's sometimes hard to understand the depth of the feelings that come with losing a pet, and seeking out people who do understand is important. Kowalski also talks about other ways to grieve, to memorialize your pet, to commemorate their life and the bond you shared, and to celebrate the joys the pet brought into your life. He discusses burials, cremations, memorials, and several other unique celebrations, including one I had never really considered before, writing a cinquain for your pet. Truthfully I never had heard of a cinquain before, but it's a specific type of poem perfect for commemorating a lost friend. (Don't worry, Kowalski provides the rules.) Although I don't in any remote way fancy myself a poet, I decided to give it a shot. It's not Shakespeare, but it does feel good to try to formulate your feelings and write them down.Neilbeautiful, lovingpurrs, plays, pouncesmy once in a lifetime friendMy KringlecatThe best part of the cinquain is it can be as idiosyncratic (Neil was a very idiosyncratic Cat) as you want it to be to capture the nature of your special friend.This book won't make the pain of losing a pet go away, but it will hopefully provide some much-needed and well-considered advice on dealing with your loss. I am grateful to have read it, and for the friends who gave it to me. Now my copy is moving on to another friend in need who last week lost their much beloved whippet. He was a great dog, and now his lonely family needs the comfort this book brings more than I do.
Almost a year ago, I lost my remarkable rescue dog, Tallulah, after 13 years together. It was a staggering blow; one I knew would come someday, but one I never wanted to prepare for.After talking to my friends for weeks and finding it difficult to discuss how upset I was without tearing up (or bursting into tears completely, depending on how my friends reacted to the news), I found this book by chance and it really made a difference.For some time, I was "upset that I was so upset," since I had been able to process deaths of family members and move on quickly, while this one struck me as a lingering sadness. Mr. Kowalski's book made me realize that there are reasons for this reaction, and, more importantly, that they are a natural part of human emotion (SPOILER ALERT: We spend every waking moment with our pets, letting them sleep near us, watching us while we get dressed in the morning, and taking them to the mailbox with us, so, yes, it's okay to miss that presence.)I've read some reviews that fault this book for making them more upset, and I can understand why they feel that way. This is not a book that will make the hurt go away, but it is a book that will make you feel better about being upset, and will give you some comfort in knowing that there's nothing wrong with you or the grief you are feeling. We all process our grief on different timetables, but it's important to remember that it's not a race and it's okay to take all the time you need.I read this about six weeks after Tallulah left, and while it turned the waterworks on, it did so in a way that was cathartic and helpful. There's even a chapter on when to open your home up to a new pet (and that depends completely on you) that made me realize it wasn't a betrayal, but a tribute to your beloved to do so. In July, we rescued a Lab/Hound mix named Conrad, and while he won't replace our girl, I realize there's enough room in our hearts to love this little guy just as much.Our pets are a joyous part of our lives. They're steadier in their emotions than we are and accept the fact that they can build their worlds around us and ask for surprisingly little in return. This book acknowledges that whether your pet has four legs, fins, a shell, or scales, when they leave us, they leave a tremendous void that hits us hard. And it let me know that it was okay to ache, because that means they did the job they were sent to do.
Very good book, when such a loss is present. It helps heal the heart, one day at a time. I lost my very special friend in February 2015. Maya was a 13 year old mini long haired dachshund. My heart is still aching. Very compassionate book. It shows it is ok to grieve at your own pace. And it is ok to grieve for your best dog friend, as a human would grieve for a loved one.
I belong to a specific dog website. I like sending something out when one of our members looses a dog. I have ordered different books but this one is the best I have seen. It is filled with poems and small stories about lost pets. You can pick up the book and skim through it reading any part you want. One can skip around as they wished. I have found that after the loss of a close pet a person can't concentrate on long wordy books. This is the book I will continue to purchase and send to friends.
For anyone who has lost a pet that has felt that particular horrendous heartbreak, there is healing in these pages. We are not alone in thinking a pet can truly be a best friend and companion, and the loss is nightmarish at time, especially for those who live alone with the pet. (Like me.) It's been nearly a year and I still feel a strange hollowness after my beloved German Shepherd passed, and it feels good to know others understand and can relate.
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